JOKES
BRASS
How do you recognise a trombone players child in the playground? - They are the one who doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing.
How do you know if there is a trombone player at the door? - The knocking slows down.
How do trumpet players greet each othe? - Hi, I'm better than you.
How do you get a baritone player to play with vibrato? - Write a semi-breve and mark it solo.
What is the definition of a gentleman? - Someone who knows how to play the trumpet but doesn't
How do you get a trumpet player to play really loud? Write ppp on the part
In what way are soprano players like pirates? They are both murder on the high C's.
Why can't gorillas play trumpet? They are too sensitive
How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
Two brass players walk past a bar. It could happen!
What is the difference between a trumpet player and a Savings Bond? Eventually the Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
STRINGS
How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune that his section noticed?
What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
If a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the ground first? Who cares?
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.
WOODWIND
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet
What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed
How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you get 5 oboes in tune? Shoot 4 of them.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower
How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched
PERCUSSION
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.
A boy says to his mother: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." His mother replies "But darling, you can't do both."
How do you get a drummer to play faster? Ask him to play at a steady 120 bpm.
How do you recognise a trombone players child in the playground? - They are the one who doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing.
How do you know if there is a trombone player at the door? - The knocking slows down.
How do trumpet players greet each othe? - Hi, I'm better than you.
How do you get a baritone player to play with vibrato? - Write a semi-breve and mark it solo.
What is the definition of a gentleman? - Someone who knows how to play the trumpet but doesn't
How do you get a trumpet player to play really loud? Write ppp on the part
In what way are soprano players like pirates? They are both murder on the high C's.
Why can't gorillas play trumpet? They are too sensitive
How many tuba players does it take to change a lightbulb? Five: One to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp and three to drink until the room spins.
How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.
Two brass players walk past a bar. It could happen!
What is the difference between a trumpet player and a Savings Bond? Eventually the Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
STRINGS
How do you make a cello sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune that his section noticed?
What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
If a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the ground first? Who cares?
How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune? The bow is moving.
WOODWIND
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? Nobody cries when you chop up a clarinet
What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed
How do you put a sparkle in a flutist's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.
How do you get 5 oboes in tune? Shoot 4 of them.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? You can tune a lawnmower
How do you tell if a tenor is dead? The wine bottle is still full and the comics haven't been touched
PERCUSSION
What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer
Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer.
A boy says to his mother: "I want to be a drummer when I grow up." His mother replies "But darling, you can't do both."
How do you get a drummer to play faster? Ask him to play at a steady 120 bpm.
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